Miss Honey

Her name was Honey, and it only took one glance to scare the shit out of me.

Let me formally introduce you to Honey; Miss Honey my Driver's Ed Road Tester. She was not my first. Not my second either, but who's counting?

Anyway, back to Miss Honey. Instead of Honey, her name just as well could have been Tank. Imagine a huge woman, the largest woman you can imagine. Well, now add on another 50 pounds and that would have been Honey. There must have been a sweetness to her that I never saw; certainly parents wouldn't name their kid Honey for no good reason.for Regardless, I surely did not get any "sweetness" from her starting from the time I shook her hand to the time I rode back into the station with tears streaming down my face.

It surely was an eventful morning test ride with Miss Honey.

We walked out of the station and I specifically remember looking at my mom like it may be the last time I would ever see her. We approached my dad's Chevy Caviler. I got in and unlocked her door (no manual lock system - we sure were ballers :P). Miss Honey sits down. The car immediately drops to the ground. We were going to be low riders for this test.

I am sweating like a pig. I fasten my seat belt, check the mirrors and start the car. Is she wearing her seat belt? I glance over. She is not wearing her seat belt. In fact, she is still trying to reach around her belly to grab the belt. I do the unthinkable.

"Can I help you with your seatbelt, " I ask.

"That is so kind of you, yes, please," she replies.

I reach around her belly, grap the belt, reach back around her "tire" (if you will) and fasten it. During this process I realize that her gut is touching the dashboard. Yes, belly on the board. I may as well be with a beached whale. My heart is racing and I haven't even actually gotten out of the lot yet. This was not going to be good.

And, true to my instincts it was not going to be good. I just didn't know how bad it was going to be.

We started off with the easy stuff. Turn left. Turn right. Do a "Y" turn. Turn right again. Stop at the stop sign. Check your mirrors. Ya de ya da. It was nearing the time I loathed. Time to parallel park. I never understood why parallel parking mattered so much that they had to test you on it. I lived in the 'burbs. There was no need to parallel park ever. You either had a driveway or there was plenty of empty parking spots available on the street.

So I approach the "victim" (aka the car). I pull up aside it, put my turn signal on, check all my mirrors and I am ready to perfect the park. The only problem is this is the first time during the test where I actually have to see who is sitting next to me again. My nerves strike up again. I start backing up. Miss Honey says nothing. I must be doing all right. Let's keep going. Slowly, slowly...

"Stop, stop, stop! You're too close, too close," she shrills.

*Thud

Cue crying. I hit the damn car while parallel parking. Shit, fuck, damn. If Miss Honey had warned me BEFORE I was already hitting the car it would have been fine.

Now here is the worst part. We have to get out of the car to "access the damage and the situation." Remember how I had to click her belt on. Yeah..... now I have to undo the seatbelt and frickin' help her out of the car. I would rather die, truthfully. Eat my own shit, and die.

How the hell am I going to get through this. I still have to drive back to the station and then tell my mom. Oh my frickin' god. Plus - AUTOMATIC FAILURE. Who gets their license after hitting a car anyway? That's the golden rule - hit car = you suck at driving no matter how intimidating the tester is.

Turns out the damage was nothing. I left a note anyway.

I now had to endure what perhaps was the longest and most uncomfortable drive of my life. (After clicking her in and touching her belly again, of course). I rolled through stops, but other than that was a perfect driver. There was no conversation during that drive. In fact, I think I even stopped breathing to be even more quiet.

We got into the station and I gave my mom the look of death. She knew immediately that something went terribly, oh so terribly wrong during my test. Miss Honey filled her in on all the details. I was happy to have my mom drive me off so I could let the river flow.

I never wanted to drive again. Or at least never wanted a morbily obese person to be in the car with me spouting out directions.

It was my most memorable driving test. And it was a good thing she had such a good name - and one I will certainly never forget - Miss Honey.

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**I did get a call from the owner's of the hit car. They told me not to sweat it. It was the third time their car was hit by a test driver in two months. They needed to go to the DMV and put their car on the "do not parallel park by this car" list. I have since gotten better at parallel parking, even if I still avoid it at all costs.